This is my childhood haunt, close to where my little mam lives. I will never tire of going down Castle Eden Dene and taking photographs. Its such a magical place, filled with memories of a childhood that is now gone, a childhood that I wish I could have again. Seeing someone that you love grow old and struggle is so so sad, and I yearn for a few moments of childhood again, walking through the Dene, getting excited at seeing all that is there.
This is what life has become, walking through the past, yearning for old age never to come, yearning to be a child again and having both mam and dad here, to hold their hands and skip along the path again. The pain does not get easier, instead it gets worse, because you know you can never go back, never have those happy days again. Memories can be such happy things, but they can also bring on such sadness.
For me there is no greater therapy to the negatives of life then being out in Nature and taking photographs. Something which I have not been able to do of late. The visits I make into the great outdoors have been fleeting to say the least, but when I do get out it is like nothing else matters in the world. We come from Nature, we return to Nature. Without it we are nothing, we are dust.
And enlightenment, it comes from within. We travel along many roads, but we have to look within ourselves to discover it. Our words and our actions are what defines us. It is whether we can ride the storm and be the best we can be. That is the road that we travel.
I’ve had a crisis of conscience recently. I love Nature and would do anything to protect it but people don’t always understand the need for this protection. We take far too much for granted but if we do not take care of the world around us one day there will be no world. We rely on Nature for so many things but many people don’t realise that. We live Nature, without it we are dead. People are blind to the world around them, and their own actions.
I recently aired my views on something that is close to my heart, but I was lambasted. Not the right time, not the right place. But what is the right time and place. Do we act after a tragedy has happened or do we act before to try and avert it. Do I stay quiet or do I speak out? One day I will be gone, Nature will not change dramatically in my lifetime, but what our children, and our children’s future. Should I be concerned about them. The Road to Enlightenment is certainly a struggle.
In life there is darkness and there is light. The light symbolises the less strenuous part of the road to enlightenment, the darkness the more difficult parts of the journey. When we are in the darkness we must remember that there is light and even though the journey is hard we will reach it.
There is a sense of belonging when I am out amongst the trees. Maybe it is because there is no pressure to conform, play by the rules. Out in Nature you can be yourself, no-one to judge you or tell you what to do.
Sometimes life can be become a little blurred. Maybe its because the days are just passing way too quickly. And its becoming increasingly harder to do the things that I love to do. I don’t know when the last time was that I actually sat and listened to some music, actually closed my eyes and immersed myself totally. I am surrounded by Nature too, yet I can’t seem to be able to reach out and touch it, or walk through it. It is the blur that you see out of the window when you are driving along the road.
But saying that I had my first, very brief, foray out into the fields on Sunday. I didn’t make it to the Dene that I love to wander through but it was so blissful to be out, to listen to the wind, to smell the grass, to feel the earth beneath my feet. It was a brief moment but even brief moments can feed the soul. And I took photos too, the wind often blurring the subjects that I was trying to capture. Nature seemed to be imitating my life. I hope that next time, and I hope that is soon, Nature is a little kinder, a little calmer, and maybe life may just be like that too.
At long last I am here amongst Nature. Everywhere looks so beautiful but I have not had a chance to walk in the peace and quiet of the fields and the little wood I live close by too. My mam had a fall nearly two weeks ago and I have been ensconced in her house, cleaning, cooking, keeping her company. But now there is light at the end of the tunnel and I have finally escaped, for a brief moment, and here I am, with Nature, thankful that life is starting to get back to normal. Although normal is not going to be the same kind of normal pre-fall. Extra measures are now in place, daily visits, chores need to be done that she cannot now do, more due to the risk of her falling rather then an inability to do them.
And Nature, never changes, always there, always ready to offer the peace and quiet you yearn for. It is amazing how time in the wilds can heal oneself, give you the boost that you so need. And of course as the seasons change the opportunity to take more photographs, explore the natural world, look for that which we seek in life.
This tree reminds me of a Japanese bonsai. Its shape is incredible. Was it chasing the light or did someone sneak along in the dead of the night and wind some wire around it.
Or maybe Nature is just teasing us, reminding us who is the Master and who is the Servant.
There is a sadness inside of me, an anticipation that one day my mother will no longer be here. I will no longer be a child, her daughter. I’ve watched her grow old this last year. And the realisation that the inevitable is getting closer has been gnawing away inside me filling with me with a constant dread. When my dad died it was so painful, and still very much so, but I had my mam, I was still someones little girl. What do I do when my she has gone too. The sadness, the emptiness, the hurt, the pain, how do you cope with it all. The photographs, the memories, the house I grew up in, they are all there, waiting to inflict the utmost grief on me.
And then there is the pain at the here and now. When we are young we all think our parents are invincible, that there is nothing that they cannot put right, that they are going to be around forever. You feel safe. But nothing prepares you for when they grow old. Nobody tells you that the roles will be reversed and it will be you that will look after them. The wrinkles, the old bones, the unkempt hair, the walking stick that helps to keep them upright most of the time. The times when they do fall, and you make that mad dash to their side, and struggle to get them up again. Like the dread of the inevitable these things are a constant in my life. So is the guilt. That’s something else they don’t warn you about. The guilt that you may not be doing enough for them, the guilt when you enjoy days out or holidays and they are sat alone at home.
These are the thoughts in my head that no-one ever hears. This is the pain I bear for loving my little mam.
Time steals on and escapes us, like the swift river that glides on with rapid stream.
Ovid, 16 BC
Two images I took today as I walked alongside a river. Water has mythical qualities and like the reflections you see on the surface I find it is a good time to reflect on the path that you take in life. Do you like what you see? Are you happy with the progress that you are taking on your life journey? I feel that the closer I get to Nature and all its elements the more I understand the journey that I take in life. In this busy world that we live in sometimes you need space, and peace and quiet, to rediscover yourself. In Nature you can do this. Maybe that is why I love it so much. Its almost like touching your soul. And maybe here be Gods.